Great essay! It's funny — older styles of courtship can seem a bit boring, but it's as if the dullness is part of the reason they work.
Since today's dating is so entertaining, it's not always clear if a relationship is just held together by the entertainment itself. But in the situation you described, if a man got bored with visiting a country house to give gifts and make polite conversation, or if a woman got bored with serving refreshments and hearing his personal pitch, they wouldn't have much reason to continue the courtship.
Of course that kind of courtship is hardly realistic anymore, and it had its own limitations, but it was a good example of a social script where the goal was clear and particular by everyone involved.
While we look upon such times as quaint vestiges of our past, I suspect in reality that these social mores made more sense than the current world of romance through the internet and dating apps. I'm thrilled to have met my wife before all of this nonsense took off - dating in the 80s, 90s, and 00s wasn't *that* bad; personally, I had a lot of fun. And I got the impression that most women did, too.
It remains to be seen how the coming generations will navigate the dating landscape that has been thrust upon them, but one wonders if they will reject it all and if a resurgence of men approaching women in person will take off. I'll certainly be encouraging my boy to approach women with kindness and openness; it's already so clear that the apps are the antithesis of good "dating".
Thanks! Yes, I’m also grateful to have dated before the apps really took off. It just seems like the worst way to meet someone. There’s a lot we can learn from the past even if we can’t go back.
"Because these calls took place within the safety and privacy of the home, a couple could get to know each other while still maintaining propriety." — my mom says something similar about the arranged marriage process. However, I think dating, when used properly, is good practice in learning how to discern other people's intentions and characters and develop good judgment.
Do you know the name of a book that explores the development of modern dating? I’m pretty sure I’ve read a book that goes over the history you have outlined here, but I can’t remember the name. I keep trying to recommend it and failing.
You might be thinking of “From Front Porch to Back Seat” by Beth Bailey. Come to think of it, I should probably add a citation because that book did inform this post a lot.
Great essay! It's funny — older styles of courtship can seem a bit boring, but it's as if the dullness is part of the reason they work.
Since today's dating is so entertaining, it's not always clear if a relationship is just held together by the entertainment itself. But in the situation you described, if a man got bored with visiting a country house to give gifts and make polite conversation, or if a woman got bored with serving refreshments and hearing his personal pitch, they wouldn't have much reason to continue the courtship.
Of course that kind of courtship is hardly realistic anymore, and it had its own limitations, but it was a good example of a social script where the goal was clear and particular by everyone involved.
While we look upon such times as quaint vestiges of our past, I suspect in reality that these social mores made more sense than the current world of romance through the internet and dating apps. I'm thrilled to have met my wife before all of this nonsense took off - dating in the 80s, 90s, and 00s wasn't *that* bad; personally, I had a lot of fun. And I got the impression that most women did, too.
It remains to be seen how the coming generations will navigate the dating landscape that has been thrust upon them, but one wonders if they will reject it all and if a resurgence of men approaching women in person will take off. I'll certainly be encouraging my boy to approach women with kindness and openness; it's already so clear that the apps are the antithesis of good "dating".
Great writing as always, Theresa!
Thanks! Yes, I’m also grateful to have dated before the apps really took off. It just seems like the worst way to meet someone. There’s a lot we can learn from the past even if we can’t go back.
Love this!
"Because these calls took place within the safety and privacy of the home, a couple could get to know each other while still maintaining propriety." — my mom says something similar about the arranged marriage process. However, I think dating, when used properly, is good practice in learning how to discern other people's intentions and characters and develop good judgment.
Do you know the name of a book that explores the development of modern dating? I’m pretty sure I’ve read a book that goes over the history you have outlined here, but I can’t remember the name. I keep trying to recommend it and failing.
You might be thinking of “From Front Porch to Back Seat” by Beth Bailey. Come to think of it, I should probably add a citation because that book did inform this post a lot.
That’s it, thank you!
There’s also “Labor of Love” by Moira Weigel.